Not a Pretty Picture

My dear friend Emily, who was also my inspiration for the creation of this blog, reminded me, (tactfully) that people who create blogs WRITE in them. "I haven't seen a new post in awhile, Elaine."

So here I am, putting the truth out there.

I haven't been writing because, A) I'm too preoccupied with worrying, and B) It's not a pretty picture. And yes, I feel obligated to put a pretty picture out there, for friends and family.

Because the theme of my blog is "Life as it is, Right Now," this news is actually quite appropriate, though. Financially speaking, life is very scary right now. I'm sure I'm getting an "amen" from many corners of the world with that statement. In fact a close friend with whom I shared my woes responded with "well, we're all in this together." Perhaps, but I don't know how that will comfort me if I lose my home. It's not like she will want me, my boys, my dog and all of our belongings coming to rest in HER house.

My equity line of credit on my house was cancelled by my bank this week. Why? The bank claims that the value of my house has dropped $50,000 since I opened the line of credit six years ago. They now value the house below the price I paid for it. This valuation was not done through an appraisal, but through a computerized system that is comparing my house, based on its address, to who-knows-which other houses. There are 800 foreclosed homes in Cleveland Heights, so I imagine mine is somehow being compared to those.

Because I have only $1500 in my savings account and because I have an auto insurance bill of that same amount due in December, the ability to borrow from the equity in my home was a needed safety net. It is now gone. We can only hope that nothing needs repairing or replacing around here. It is truly paycheck-to-paycheck living here.

Yes, I know I am not alone. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't be thinking about what I will do about this. I have to do everything I can for myself, Erik, Brad and Jordan. (Oh yes, and Riley, who needs a $200 vet appointment). My mind whirls with the uncomfortable truths- Brad may not be able to finish college, and Jordan may not be able to go. We may have to sell the house and live in an apartment (have you seen how BIG my boys AND my dog are?). Of course, we may not be able to sell the house, and we may not get anything from a sale if the value has truly dropped that low. Used to be, the house was the source of security. Not any longer, apparently.

It seems that the wisest thing for me to do is increase my income. Therefore, a half-hearted search for a new job has begun. Imagine my surprise, when I found a posting for a Director of Development job at my alma mater- The College of Wooster! I have had many daydreams of living and working in Wooster...yet, the dreams involved an alpaca farm! It's a big transition, to go from that dream to another office job, but I'm trying to get my mind around it, and I'm trying to muster some self-confidence in case I get invited for an interview. I just can't imagine promoting myself to a potential new employer right now...somehow, my spirits are simply too low.

And, I'm formulating a big Plan B. More on that later, perhaps.

In the meantime, this IS a pretty picture:

I Never Wanted a Dog

I could begin a dozen little essays with that statement!

I never wanted a dog.

But you guessed it- I have one. And because I do, there must have been some little part of me that DID in fact, want a dog. And I'll tell you right now, that all twelve of those little "I never wanted a dog" essays would conclude with some equivalent of "...but I'm sure glad I have one."

For today, though, let's stick with the fact that I didn't want a dog...and why. Like many women my age, who have survived the messiest and most frustrating parts of raising children, I did not want: muddy paws on clothes and floors, daily walks in rain and snow and sleet and hail, vet bills, "potty" training, and the hassle of finding a dog sitter when I wanted to be away from home.

Enter the antagonist- a little boy. A little boy who happened to be my son, Jordan, but who was like most little boys in one way-he wanted a dog. Badly. He began to make this known in earnest when he was five. We finally got the dog when he was 15. I have to credit him for persevering through a ten year "campaign."

Jordan was clever with his tactics. At age five, he tried this: "Mom? Will you have another baby?" I'll save you the back and forth dailogue, but be assured that I said a firm "No" to the baby idea, despite the very cute way he pleaded his case- that he wanted a little brother or sister, that he wanted to push it in a stroller, that he would help with diapers, that he would teach it things, and of course a lot of "please, please, please!!!"

NO, Jordan.

"Okay, then can I have a dog?" he asked.

As I said, clever! Nice try! A+!!! But, NO.

Jordan made many other attempts over the years, to acquire a dog. One is cute enough to mention, and another is worth mentioning because it's the one that "got me." First...somewhere around age 11, Jordan took to the computer and generated MANY 4x6 signs that read "Mom, I want a dog, PLEASE!" And I began finding those signs in the most unusual places- my underwear drawer, hanging from a hanger in my closet, in the book on my nightstand, under my pillow, in my running shoe...I'm sure there were some strategically placed in the kitchen, too. Every once in awhile, one still shows up. Many parents would have caved in and thought it a fantastic surprise to give the boy a puppy for Christmas. Not me. I held firm. I didn't want a dog.

Then...we learned about opportunities to have a puppy TEMPORARILY, and raise it and train it until age 2, in preparation for it to become a seeing eye dog. Now this intrigued me. Puppy raising with a mission. Puppy raising for a purpose. AND, the puppy comes with free vet visits, free grooming, built-in puppy sitters, and a limited stay-two years. Jordan saw the opening...he caught the hesitation in my thinking...after 10 long years, he could almost taste victory. But, he still had some work to do. When I learned that the puppy raising meant driving 30 minutes once a week for training classes...classes that the boys usually wouldn't be able to attend because of their sports schedules, I said no. I was not going to engage in yet another activity that would take me away from them and away from home...not that year...not with Brad applying to college, and so much more.

But my heart had opened. Jordan knew it. In a very adult manner, he laid it all out. "Mom, you know you would like this. I know it's hard work, but look at it this way- we get a puppy now, and for the next two years I will help you get it through the hardest part. Then, when I leave to go to college, you'll have a great companion. And besides, Mom, I think we need something to take care of. I think that's what we all need."

He circled ads in the newspaper, he reminded me that I could call them while I drove to work, he said we should just go and LOOK at them and start learning more before we say no again. And in a few days there we were- Jordan, Brad, Erik and me, falling in love with Golden Retriever puppies on a farm in Medina.

I did it for Jordan. I did it so he- the youngest child in the family- could have something to take care of. My emotions gave way. I caved in. I did it. I told no one in advance, because I didn't want to hear my own reasons why not, thrown back at me.

I did it out of love, I did it for change, I did it very simply, for him.

And every once in awhile, he says to me "Mom? Can you even imagine life without Riley?" And honestly, I can, but I don't like the way that feels. Riley is part of the family. Muddy paws are welcome here.

Getting Started

I am a writer, and yet, this is tough! The first entry in my new "Blog" (gosh, where did that name come from?) and I don't know where to begin! My brain has suddenly stopped functioning, and I've practically forgotten how to type!

Deep breath.

I am reminded of the Do-Re-Me song from The Sound of Music- "Start at the very beginning...a very good place to start..." Okay...deep breath again...well...I'm NOT going back 48 years! The beginning of what?

And now, on the much more negative side, I am reminded of my boyfriend's comments (delivered with a tone of REAL disgust)- "I get tired of NPR...I mean, they're interviewing bloggers! And who are THEY? Who the heck cares what a blogger has to say?" (Not Jim).

Well, the very beginning of my interest in blogging (which rhymes with slogging and dogging and frogging and....where DID that name come from?) came when my friends (and friends to many), Scott and Tricia, learned that Tricia was pregnant with twins. They knew they were embarking on a real adventure, and they decided to share it with others. They created a blog. I became very thankful for that blog- I followed it with great interest as their pregnancy progessed, as they learned (early in the pregnancy) that one of their identical twin boys had a heart defect, as the boys (Duncan and Jackson) were born, as Duncan had heart surgery, as they endured many joys and setbacks, as they lost their little Duncan, and now, as they raise darling Jackson- the boy I want to know about forever...the boy who used to have a "womb mate."

Thanks to their blog, I could pray for them, I could rejoice with them and cry with them. I didn't have to wonder how they were, and sit here feeling afraid to call, afraid of being a pest. I continue to learn much from Tricia and Scott. I learn about resilience. I learn about ways to be a healthy, loving, honest couple. I contemplate thankfulness. I am reminded to celebrate life.

My second inspiration for creating a blog came just yesterday, from my coworker Emily. I call her the daughter I never had...because she is 25 and because I would be so thrilled to have a daughter as fun and aware and open and balanced and courageous as she! Emily keeps a blog, and yesterday she sent me a link to an entry about her first tap dancing class since high school. Her reflections simply made me laugh. I think I laughed four times while reading about her experience. It felt so good to laugh that I almost cried...particularly when I realized that it was the first time I had laughed in probably a few weeks.

So, inspired by Scott, Tricia and Emily, who have had the courage to share their lives through the internet, I am beginning to share with "you," Life as it is Right Now.

Live it!
Elaine