Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year, New ???

So much pressure- to resolve something, change something, be better than ever.

But it is also potentially very powerful, to call this day, or every day, "New" and invite oneself to the clean canvas. To the place of deciding how to create the next hours, days and weeks of one's life.

I wonder if I can find the right moments to tell my sons- let go of what is behind that hasn't served you well. Just shed it. Open mind, heart, eyes to what can be ahead. Choose to expand your life, your experience, your awareness, your giving. There is something about teaching them to avoid "ruts" in living, teaching them not to waste themselves on dead-end things, teaching them to act on their instincts and follow loves and leads until their thirst is quenched...there is something pulling at me, making me want to teach THEM those lessons.

And I know I need to be one to live them as well. I know I tend to get ready and then aim, and re-aim, and aim again...in all aspects of my life. And that I am very slow to pull back the arrow and let it fly.

Right now, I feel a desire to learn. To get formal education that will enable me to share my tenderness and care with the broader world. The stage seems to be open for me to do this in my work setting; for me to play a semi-counseling role in the Breakthrough schools (six schools and growing). I say "semi" because I have no training to do this...this thing that I think of as a school and family counseling role. Only life experience has trained me. I'd like this to be the year that I receive formal training so that I can create a role in which I help students manage and understand and value the emotional side of themselves. A role in which I can help parents be more in love with their role as parents.

Life gave me an earlier chance to give my tenderness to the world through work. I was admitted to medical school 30 years ago, and turned away from that opportunity. Years after, I was in a setting in which I felt strongly called to pursue nursing. I didn't insist that my husband support me in that quest, and again, gave in/gave it up and turned to my role as a mother- giving all of myself there.

I would tell my sons that they need to see the openings now. That they need to believe there is a way to support an education that will equip them to be in the world in the way they want to be. I might even tell them that they owe it to our world to do that. Don't hide your light. Feed the flame and let it shine.

So much pressure, these resolutions.

I resolve to put greater attention to equipping myself to more effectively and broadly share my tenderness and my care with our world.

Happy new canvas to you, too.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Attending to What We Love


“When we do what we love, we are performing an act of worship.”

(Wayne Muller, “How, Then, Shall We Live?”)

And Muller also says:

“Attention is the physical manifestation of love. Attention is the tangible measure of love. Whatever receives our time and attention becomes the center of gravity, the focus of our life. This is what we do with what we love: We allow it to become our center.”

Yesterday, the children of Village Prep were what I loved. Ninety kindergarten students broke into spontaneous, contagious seated “dance” while eating lunch, because the music and beat of the physical education class around the corner ignited their young spirits. I am fortunate to work in an office with windows that look into the multi-purpose room where they sat, and my spontaneous response to their spontaneity was to pick up my camera, go to the window, and film their joyful actions. They were in the moment- no cares, no inhibition, pure celebration. White teeth shining, beaded hair braids swaying, hands flying, shoulders bumping up and down.

And I am reminded of the evening before- my heart being similarly lifted and filled with a sense of praise when 8th grader, DeVante, came into my office to share simple joy. It was after school, and he was helping our Director of Student Recruitment prepare for the parent information session that would be held that evening. He entered, all smiles, clearly wanting to connect with me. I held up my hand, to welcome him in a “high-five,” and he quickly met my hand with pleasure. “I’m helping Ms. Brantley!” he announced, with happiness and pride so evident. I asked what job she had given him, he explained that he would probably greet guests and walk them to the room where the meeting would be held.

And then he reminded me of the day that two doctors from the Cleveland Clinic had visited the school, entered his math class, and he had explained the scale model design project that the students were working on. I happened to be the guide on that tour, and I remembered DeVante’s eager greeting of the men as they entered the room, and his quick delight in explaining the project. I remember the way the gentlemen were enveloped in the enthusiasm DeVante showed. DeVante shared with me that “Ms. Lombardo (the teacher) told me that she got an email saying that the doctors really enjoyed talking to me…” and again, he was so proud- beaming. He skipped off then, to be of help, and I remained at my desk, stunned for a moment, at how much these very simple things meant to him. He was useful. He was appreciated. He was praised. He mattered. He was honored. He wanted to please.

Such a simple thing, to love a child. To give attention.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Life Transitions

This day has brought out a weepy side of me, and I am spinning about, trying almost blindly to point at "why."

There could be a dozen blog entries that attempt an answer and I would still not feel that I've done justice to the deep and stirring emotions that I am trying to keep subdued.

Let's start with Emma- a young woman (and Jordan's prom date of last May) who is heading to college today. I didn't get to say a face-to-face good-bye to her, but did send her a text message this morning (I'm so hip, huh?) to wish her well, give her my number, and assure her that there are many of us cheering for her. Her mom told me that Emma is nervous, and Emma verified that in her return text. "There are hundreds of your future friends feeling exactly as you are, right now," I wrote to her. And then I imagined all that nervous energy converging on the Ohio University campus today...and on campuses all over the country. Kind of makes me giggle- all those nervous young people with so much promise and potential- all thinking they are alone, when really they have never been surrounded by so many kindred spirits before. But I wasn't giggling when it was me. The first days of college are truly tense, appetite-robbing, disorienting days. The lump came into my throat as I thought about that life transition- for the student AND the parents. The letting go, starting again, trusting. Argh. Grand and numbing all at once.

The lump in my throat rose up and became tears minutes later, during my drive to work. It will sound so simple when I say it, but my niece Carrie, age 22, is getting married tomorrow. She is the second of the 10 grandchildren in our family, but the first to officially leave the nest. As my mom said, this marks the end of an era. Today the truth of that settled in and meant something to me, and the flow of emotion began. I had to call my mom- the one person who would understand when I said that I just needed to cry a little, and hopefully get it out of my system before the wedding. I mean, wow. All those birthday parties and holiday gatherings with "the cousins" are behind us. The Christmas gift exchanges, the Father's Days at the zoo, the crazy backyard games, the beach vacations, the toddlers tripping over the babies, the teen boys testing out ideas on the teen girls, the college students exchanging party stories and going to concerts together.

Oh my, here I go again. Crying. I have to stop thinking about it now, before I begin imagining who's next and, and, and...

For the moment, here's to Emma and to Carrie- young women who are in their prime and don't fully know it. You are both loved and treasured. I thank you for what you bring to my life.








Thursday, September 3, 2009

Calling out to the Universe

My dear, patient friend, Trisha, often tells me that I need to enlist the support of the universe when I am trying to make change or find answers. Just yesterday, she encouraged- "Claim something different for yourself, even if you don't know what it is." And then, tell it to the universe, and remember that God is your "most senior consultant."


So here I am, friends. I'm not going to wait another year, and use my 50th birthday as a reason to claim it. I'll claim it right now- "I NEED A NEW WORK LIFE."


Actually, during my morning walk with Riley, I heard myself say out load "I need a new life!!!!" and then I quickly realized that was an exaggeration. I sucked that statement right back in, with apologies. Some things are okay, really. Fantastic, to be more accurate. But I do, honestly, need a new work life. I need a new work life! I NEED a new work life! I need a NEW work life! I need a new WORK life! I need a new work LIFE! No matter how you phrase it- I do indeed really need a new work life.


Got it, Universe?

Please answer.


Honestly, this (below) looks like intereting work to me-




Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I Want to be a Learner, Too

It is the first day of school in the Cleveland Heights School District. I spoke to a young 5th grader last night and was buoyed up by his quick, excited exclamations- "Tomorrow is my first day!! I have all my supplies ready!" And , "Gosh- this is the last year of high school for your son. Wow. He must have LOTS of supplies! Tell him he can't sleep until 10:00 any more!"


So much enthusiasm. So much happy anticipation. There will be flag raising ceremonies and cheerful, inviting teachers, to greet those youngsters...and course syllabi and statements of expectations for the older ones.


Jordan did at least six loads of laundry yesterday, to mark this occasion. We don't talk about it (I was just happy to see the floor of his room again!), but I expect that he didn't want to be caught without just the right thing to wear during the first week.


I was happy to drive through a few school zones and see faces in school bus windows, and to wave to other parents as I completed my drop-off routine. The new school year beginnings have been part of my life for about 40 of my 49 years- either as a student myself or as the mother of students. And the calling back to learning still stirs in me. It is more than habitual; it is a hunger.


I want to be a learner, too.


And today I realize that part of the frustration that I described in my last entry comes from the fact that I am not learning. I am in a place where I reorganize the same thoughts, facts and visions on paper over and over again. Nothing new is being created by me or inspired in me or delivered to me.


Today, Robert Kilo stopped into our offices. He is running for Mayor of Cleveland. He is a fascinating candidate, and as I watched him leave the building, I wished I could trail him all day...all week, and learn what makes him tick, then write a story about the man who has relentless energy for a campaign that he refers to as "teamwork" and a role that he labels "servant leader."


My boss came in from a meeting with a Plain Dealer reporter. The way he tells it, he is (kindly, and with integrity) manipulating the press...cleverly preparing them to print a big story when the time is just right. "I spent 40 minutes telling him things off the record; then 15 giving him an on the record story." As if he is the reporter's Deep Throat. I wanted to follow my boss all day...all week, and learn more about how he operates, then sit down and write the story of the man behind the movement to redefine education in Cleveland- the details of who he is and how he did it- through relentless pursuit and clear goals and an ability to stretch the truth, but not too far.


I am thinking of that 5th grade boy, who was apparently much more nervous about the first day this morning, than he had been last night. I want to follow him all day...all week, and write the story of adapting to a new school and new culture, from the child's point of view.


I want to be a learner, too. It is a hunger in me.


Thursday, August 27, 2009

I know...long absence. The explanation is that all of my "blog thoughts" have been put into emails to friends. Honestly, there would be a gaping hole in my life if I did not have those friends, reading and replying to email. So much of life has been celebrated and sorted in email exchanges.

And I have no real reason for coming back to this format at this moment, that I am aware of. I'm simply here.

I want to make record of a small yet significant revelation from yesterday.

That is, I work with (more like "for") a person who operates effectively in just one mode- as a visionary, a leader, a creator of mental pictures of how something could be. He is only content when he is giving birth to an idea and selling it. And he does both very, very well. There are few people who have been in his presence and not felt inspired. He has gained widespread respect for his vision for urban education and his ability to get the right people in place to bring that vision to reality. He is outstanding in his role.

But that's not the revelation. I've called him a "visionary" and a "social entrepreneur" for years now. God has given him the gifts of vision and persuasion and energy and relentlessness. The revelation is this- over time, this is a hard person for me to exist with. And I seem to need to get to the bottom of "why?" Yesterday, I sat for seven-and-a-half hours in meetings with this person. The meeting was to have been led by a consultant, but ended up being led by my boss...because leading is the only mode in which he wants to exist. It is the only way he is happy. It is the only way he knows how to be. He believes he has the best answers. And truly (thankfully the perceptive female consultants have picked up on this), the only way that my boss will utilize the advice of someone else is if he reworks it and "births" it himself. We were all carried with him the whole day, and at times, entertained by him. I know that if he had not been "allowed" to shift into his visionary/leader mode, he would not have stayed in the meeting. He would have found emails to answer and calls to return, and would have passed the reins on to the consultants, but would not have kept his body in the chair for all that time. In a way, this is all good. "We" would not be where we are if not for him. We would not have three years of success behind us and a grand vision for widespread good in front of us.

And yet...to my point....this is a challenging way for me to live, day after day. I work behind someone who gives birth to visions and ideas on a daily basis, and by the structure of the mission we serve and the roles we play, we all need to (and do) shift our very being, to be aligned with his vision. There are so few opportunities for me or others to give birth to an idea, too. And when the door opens and an idea sneaks out, it is given so little consideration next to the foaming, frothing energy of the ocean of vision that he is riding. And bear with me on this- what I feel is not "competition." I don't desire to be better than this person. I don't desire to measure anything against what this person brings. I don't want his job (and I have many days when I think "I'm sure glad I'm not leading this platoon!")

But I believe all of us want to create. I believe all of us want and need to have a voice, and to let it be heard. I believe all of us have unique places to be servant leaders. And yesterday felt significant to me because it highlighted the absence of a creative outlet in my life, and it made me aware of my need to have one. It made me aware of my craving to find that place. Yesterday felt like a reminder that my voice and my creation are probably never going to be there, in a place so dominated by such a strong presence. I am imaging it to be like someone trying to be a co-leader in the White House! Not gonna happen! Our workplace IS my boss...my friend. There is not space for another's creative influence, and I would go so far as to say there is not need for another's. It's no wonder, then, that it feels SO GOOD to me to come home and do things like plant flowers and vegetables in my gardens, and later bring the produce and the beauty into our home and use them creatively for our shared pleasure. Or to rearrange furniture and cupboards, or organize files, or plan Jordan's college visits...these simple acts feel like therapy, after a work week of following the passionate lead of another person...a bit like a puppet, just following, adjusting my role, adapting my priorities , accepting the new language, refocusing my lens. I mean, wow! He would never exist in an environment like that! And neither can the rest of us, if we don't have another place where we too, live fully and creatively, taking what is birthed by our souls and sharing it with the world.

My current need and challenge is to find that place and discover what I am meant to give.

For today, I needed to just give birth that truth, though. That "wow...it is a challenge (and at the same time a joy...an amazing experience) to work with someone who is so focused on his vision- so unstoppable, so continually driven." And the follow-up to that is to be aware of my hunger to create and to give the best of myself...somewhere, somehow.







Friday, October 10, 2008

Not a Pretty Picture

My dear friend Emily, who was also my inspiration for the creation of this blog, reminded me, (tactfully) that people who create blogs WRITE in them. "I haven't seen a new post in awhile, Elaine."


So here I am, putting the truth out there.


I haven't been writing because, A) I'm too preoccupied with worrying, and B) It's not a pretty picture. And yes, I feel obligated to put a pretty picture out there, for friends and family.


Because the theme of my blog is "Life as it is, Right Now," this news is actually quite appropriate, though. Financially speaking, life is very scary right now. I'm sure I'm getting an "amen" from many corners of the world with that statement. In fact a close friend with whom I shared my woes responded with "well, we're all in this together." Perhaps, but I don't know how that will comfort me if I lose my home. It's not like she will want me, my boys, my dog and all of our belongings coming to rest in HER house.


My equity line of credit on my house was cancelled by my bank this week. Why? The bank claims that the value of my house has dropped $50,000 since I opened the line of credit six years ago. They now value the house below the price I paid for it. This valuation was not done through an appraisal, but through a computerized system that is comparing my house, based on its address, to who-knows-which other houses. There are 800 foreclosed homes in Cleveland Heights, so I imagine mine is somehow being compared to those.


Because I have only $1500 in my savings account and because I have an auto insurance bill of that same amount due in December, the ability to borrow from the equity in my home was a needed safety net. It is now gone. We can only hope that nothing needs repairing or replacing around here. It is truly paycheck-to-paycheck living here.


Yes, I know I am not alone. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't be thinking about what I will do about this. I have to do everything I can for myself, Erik, Brad and Jordan. (Oh yes, and Riley, who needs a $200 vet appointment). My mind whirls with the uncomfortable truths- Brad may not be able to finish college, and Jordan may not be able to go. We may have to sell the house and live in an apartment (have you seen how BIG my boys AND my dog are?). Of course, we may not be able to sell the house, and we may not get anything from a sale if the value has truly dropped that low. Used to be, the house was the source of security. Not any longer, apparently.


It seems that the wisest thing for me to do is increase my income. Therefore, a half-hearted search for a new job has begun. Imagine my surprise, when I found a posting for a Director of Development job at my alma mater- The College of Wooster! I have had many daydreams of living and working in Wooster...yet, the dreams involved an alpaca farm! It's a big transition, to go from that dream to another office job, but I'm trying to get my mind around it, and I'm trying to muster some self-confidence in case I get invited for an interview. I just can't imagine promoting myself to a potential new employer right now...somehow, my spirits are simply too low.


And, I'm formulating a big Plan B. More on that later, perhaps.


In the meantime, this IS a pretty picture: