Life Transitions

This day has brought out a weepy side of me, and I am spinning about, trying almost blindly to point at "why."

There could be a dozen blog entries that attempt an answer and I would still not feel that I've done justice to the deep and stirring emotions that I am trying to keep subdued.

Let's start with Emma- a young woman (and Jordan's prom date of last May) who is heading to college today. I didn't get to say a face-to-face good-bye to her, but did send her a text message this morning (I'm so hip, huh?) to wish her well, give her my number, and assure her that there are many of us cheering for her. Her mom told me that Emma is nervous, and Emma verified that in her return text. "There are hundreds of your future friends feeling exactly as you are, right now," I wrote to her. And then I imagined all that nervous energy converging on the Ohio University campus today...and on campuses all over the country. Kind of makes me giggle- all those nervous young people with so much promise and potential- all thinking they are alone, when really they have never been surrounded by so many kindred spirits before. But I wasn't giggling when it was me. The first days of college are truly tense, appetite-robbing, disorienting days. The lump came into my throat as I thought about that life transition- for the student AND the parents. The letting go, starting again, trusting. Argh. Grand and numbing all at once.

The lump in my throat rose up and became tears minutes later, during my drive to work. It will sound so simple when I say it, but my niece Carrie, age 22, is getting married tomorrow. She is the second of the 10 grandchildren in our family, but the first to officially leave the nest. As my mom said, this marks the end of an era. Today the truth of that settled in and meant something to me, and the flow of emotion began. I had to call my mom- the one person who would understand when I said that I just needed to cry a little, and hopefully get it out of my system before the wedding. I mean, wow. All those birthday parties and holiday gatherings with "the cousins" are behind us. The Christmas gift exchanges, the Father's Days at the zoo, the crazy backyard games, the beach vacations, the toddlers tripping over the babies, the teen boys testing out ideas on the teen girls, the college students exchanging party stories and going to concerts together.

Oh my, here I go again. Crying. I have to stop thinking about it now, before I begin imagining who's next and, and, and...

For the moment, here's to Emma and to Carrie- young women who are in their prime and don't fully know it. You are both loved and treasured. I thank you for what you bring to my life.

Calling out to the Universe

My dear, patient friend, Trisha, often tells me that I need to enlist the support of the universe when I am trying to make change or find answers. Just yesterday, she encouraged- "Claim something different for yourself, even if you don't know what it is." And then, tell it to the universe, and remember that God is your "most senior consultant."

So here I am, friends. I'm not going to wait another year, and use my 50th birthday as a reason to claim it. I'll claim it right now- "I NEED A NEW WORK LIFE."

Actually, during my morning walk with Riley, I heard myself say out load "I need a new life!!!!" and then I quickly realized that was an exaggeration. I sucked that statement right back in, with apologies. Some things are okay, really. Fantastic, to be more accurate. But I do, honestly, need a new work life. I need a new work life! I NEED a new work life! I need a NEW work life! I need a new WORK life! I need a new work LIFE! No matter how you phrase it- I do indeed really need a new work life.

Got it, Universe?

Please answer.

Honestly, this (below) looks like intereting work to me-

I Want to be a Learner, Too

It is the first day of school in the Cleveland Heights School District. I spoke to a young 5th grader last night and was buoyed up by his quick, excited exclamations- "Tomorrow is my first day!! I have all my supplies ready!" And , "Gosh- this is the last year of high school for your son. Wow. He must have LOTS of supplies! Tell him he can't sleep until 10:00 any more!"

So much enthusiasm. So much happy anticipation. There will be flag raising ceremonies and cheerful, inviting teachers, to greet those youngsters...and course syllabi and statements of expectations for the older ones.

Jordan did at least six loads of laundry yesterday, to mark this occasion. We don't talk about it (I was just happy to see the floor of his room again!), but I expect that he didn't want to be caught without just the right thing to wear during the first week.

I was happy to drive through a few school zones and see faces in school bus windows, and to wave to other parents as I completed my drop-off routine. The new school year beginnings have been part of my life for about 40 of my 49 years- either as a student myself or as the mother of students. And the calling back to learning still stirs in me. It is more than habitual; it is a hunger.

I want to be a learner, too.

And today I realize that part of the frustration that I described in my last entry comes from the fact that I am not learning. I am in a place where I reorganize the same thoughts, facts and visions on paper over and over again. Nothing new is being created by me or inspired in me or delivered to me.

Today, Robert Kilo stopped into our offices. He is running for Mayor of Cleveland. He is a fascinating candidate, and as I watched him leave the building, I wished I could trail him all day...all week, and learn what makes him tick, then write a story about the man who has relentless energy for a campaign that he refers to as "teamwork" and a role that he labels "servant leader."

My boss came in from a meeting with a Plain Dealer reporter. The way he tells it, he is (kindly, and with integrity) manipulating the press...cleverly preparing them to print a big story when the time is just right. "I spent 40 minutes telling him things off the record; then 15 giving him an on the record story." As if he is the reporter's Deep Throat. I wanted to follow my boss all day...all week, and learn more about how he operates, then sit down and write the story of the man behind the movement to redefine education in Cleveland- the details of who he is and how he did it- through relentless pursuit and clear goals and an ability to stretch the truth, but not too far.

I am thinking of that 5th grade boy, who was apparently much more nervous about the first day this morning, than he had been last night. I want to follow him all day...all week, and write the story of adapting to a new school and new culture, from the child's point of view.

I want to be a learner, too. It is a hunger in me.