I know...long absence. The explanation is that all of my "blog thoughts" have been put into emails to friends. Honestly, there would be a gaping hole in my life if I did not have those friends, reading and replying to email. So much of life has been celebrated and sorted in email exchanges.

And I have no real reason for coming back to this format at this moment, that I am aware of. I'm simply here.

I want to make record of a small yet significant revelation from yesterday.

That is, I work with (more like "for") a person who operates effectively in just one mode- as a visionary, a leader, a creator of mental pictures of how something could be. He is only content when he is giving birth to an idea and selling it. And he does both very, very well. There are few people who have been in his presence and not felt inspired. He has gained widespread respect for his vision for urban education and his ability to get the right people in place to bring that vision to reality. He is outstanding in his role.

But that's not the revelation. I've called him a "visionary" and a "social entrepreneur" for years now. God has given him the gifts of vision and persuasion and energy and relentlessness. The revelation is this- over time, this is a hard person for me to exist with. And I seem to need to get to the bottom of "why?" Yesterday, I sat for seven-and-a-half hours in meetings with this person. The meeting was to have been led by a consultant, but ended up being led by my boss...because leading is the only mode in which he wants to exist. It is the only way he is happy. It is the only way he knows how to be. He believes he has the best answers. And truly (thankfully the perceptive female consultants have picked up on this), the only way that my boss will utilize the advice of someone else is if he reworks it and "births" it himself. We were all carried with him the whole day, and at times, entertained by him. I know that if he had not been "allowed" to shift into his visionary/leader mode, he would not have stayed in the meeting. He would have found emails to answer and calls to return, and would have passed the reins on to the consultants, but would not have kept his body in the chair for all that time. In a way, this is all good. "We" would not be where we are if not for him. We would not have three years of success behind us and a grand vision for widespread good in front of us.

And yet...to my point....this is a challenging way for me to live, day after day. I work behind someone who gives birth to visions and ideas on a daily basis, and by the structure of the mission we serve and the roles we play, we all need to (and do) shift our very being, to be aligned with his vision. There are so few opportunities for me or others to give birth to an idea, too. And when the door opens and an idea sneaks out, it is given so little consideration next to the foaming, frothing energy of the ocean of vision that he is riding. And bear with me on this- what I feel is not "competition." I don't desire to be better than this person. I don't desire to measure anything against what this person brings. I don't want his job (and I have many days when I think "I'm sure glad I'm not leading this platoon!")

But I believe all of us want to create. I believe all of us want and need to have a voice, and to let it be heard. I believe all of us have unique places to be servant leaders. And yesterday felt significant to me because it highlighted the absence of a creative outlet in my life, and it made me aware of my need to have one. It made me aware of my craving to find that place. Yesterday felt like a reminder that my voice and my creation are probably never going to be there, in a place so dominated by such a strong presence. I am imaging it to be like someone trying to be a co-leader in the White House! Not gonna happen! Our workplace IS my boss...my friend. There is not space for another's creative influence, and I would go so far as to say there is not need for another's. It's no wonder, then, that it feels SO GOOD to me to come home and do things like plant flowers and vegetables in my gardens, and later bring the produce and the beauty into our home and use them creatively for our shared pleasure. Or to rearrange furniture and cupboards, or organize files, or plan Jordan's college visits...these simple acts feel like therapy, after a work week of following the passionate lead of another person...a bit like a puppet, just following, adjusting my role, adapting my priorities , accepting the new language, refocusing my lens. I mean, wow! He would never exist in an environment like that! And neither can the rest of us, if we don't have another place where we too, live fully and creatively, taking what is birthed by our souls and sharing it with the world.

My current need and challenge is to find that place and discover what I am meant to give.

For today, I needed to just give birth that truth, though. That "wow...it is a challenge (and at the same time a joy...an amazing experience) to work with someone who is so focused on his vision- so unstoppable, so continually driven." And the follow-up to that is to be aware of my hunger to create and to give the best of myself...somewhere, somehow.